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Learn more about Julie Shields
"To get out of the Mommy Trap, mothers must acknowledge that fathers' mode of interacting with children has validity, too."
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No Apron Strings Attached (How to Avoid the Mommy Trap Part 2)
By Julie Shields
Excerpt from How to Avoid the Mommy Trap. Read Part 1, Part 3 and Part 4. Check back over the next several weeks to read the final excerpt.
Mothers who share childrearing with their husbands emphasize the importance of recognizing the value of fathers' abilities. Women must let go of control over the mode of performance. Delegating a task and directing how to do it doesn't work. Deirdre Davis, an attorney, reports that the following approach helped her to give up dominance at home: "Understanding that men make wonderful parents. They are great at raising kids. They just do it differently, and that's okay."
It becomes a question of accepting another style of parenting. Women tend to keep children closer and fathers to give them wider rein, to encourage exploration and mastery of skills without interference. To get out of the Mommy Trap, mothers must acknowledge that fathers' mode of interacting with children has validity, too. Cindy accepts that her husband doesn't watch their teenage son as closely as she does, recognizing that though they have a different approach, both are appropriate.
I'll come home and ask my husband, "Where's Paul?" He'll say, "Oh, he's down the street." I would ask my son where he was going. They're always right in the neighborhood and he wouldn't go anywhere without telling us, but I would know up-front where he was going whereas my husband's more, "He's just down the street." That's fine. And Paul likes the fact that his dad respects his judgment. Right now, he seems to need a little more rope than I would give him.
Mothers have to relax their rigid requirements that fathers do everything the way they would. The goal is for him to do more, not to do it exactly as you would. As long as mothers retain the goal that fathers should act like mothers, men will not do much more than they do already.
Understanding this fact can work wonders, almost instantly. Fathers feel better and participate more when they make their own choices about how to be with their children. Mothers feel better when they release some of that mental load. Moms can create personal time once they understand they may let go of their way of doing things.
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When your husband asks what he should do during your time off— what to feed your child, how to conduct a play date, or what movie to rent—say, "I don't know. Whatever you want."
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Some books and experts recommend that women lower their standards. Instead, think of suspending your standards, not worrying about how things are done when you're not around, or on duty. Here's a liberating exercise. When your husband asks what he should do during your time off— what to feed your child, how to conduct a play date, or what movie to rent—say, "I don't know. Whatever you want."
Do not try to dictate what will happen in your absence. Otherwise, you'll still carry the mental load of household and child administrator around. Also your husband will not respond the way you would like. Men enjoy freedom to make their own rules, same as women do. My brother-in-law, a pretty traditional guy, loves to take care of his sons whenever my sister-in-law goes away for a day or two. He describes his pleasure in spending time alone with the boys:
It's the only time when I can do things my way, when I think they should be done, or the boys
want to, not when she wants to. It's much easier because I don't have to worry about whether
I'm doing it the way she does it or even if she can see what we're doing.
All dads say this. Listen to them. Don't breathe down your husband's neck. It's counterproductive, unrelaxing, and causes strife. Marital therapist Mary Ray explains:
The other day, a mother told me she'd come home and her husband hadn't changed the
baby's diaper. The older child hadn't eaten. Their middle son was eating clay. So I asked her, "If you give him hell, will he do it again?" She thought for a moment and said, "No."
"That's right," I told her. "It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be your
way. That's the beauty of two different relationships and two parents."
Often, a mother will come in and say, "What's going on?" Don't shame your partner
in front of the kids. That undermines him, the kids are not going to listen to him then, and he
won't want to get involved again either.
Ms. Ray describes classic Mommy Trap behavior. We all do it from time to time. That's the old model. Look to the example of Deirdre and Cindy instead, and show appreciation for Dad's efforts.
If you are interested in learning how families can create more balanced arrangements, click here to purchase or read more of How to Avoid the Mommy Trap.
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