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Making it
Work
by T. Berry Brazelton and Ann Brown
Also in this guide:
(T. Berry Brazelton)
Even with all the advantages of an extended family, the course of those relationships
doesn't always run smooth. Parents and grandparents are bound to disagree over
child-rearing choices. The trick is in knowing how to cool the friction before
the fire gets out of hand.
- What most young parents
need from their own parents is sympathetic support, not advice and criticism.
While it's sometimes painful to watch your children go through the trial-and-error
of parenthood, it's part of their learning curve. It's best to let them know you're
there for them, that you're willing and eager to listen and that you'd be glad
to offer the wisdom of your own experience if and when they want it. A regular
"date" with them to let your child unload is a sure way of keeping in touch.
- Occasionally, our children
or grandchildren will do something we feel so strongly about, we'll want to intervene
right then and there. Resist temptation. It only undermines the parents in front
of the children and sets up tensions. The time to talk about the problem is calmly
and reasonably and privately. Even if you ultimately disagree, it inspires trust
when you accept their parenting decisions. Remind your children of their own childhood
crises and how they handled them.
- Grandparents must respect
their children as the parents. Grandparents are notorious for overindulging their
young charges, and parents often worry that this will undercut their own child-rearing
efforts. However, Grandma and Grandpa's treats, no matter how frequent, are just
one more sign to children that they are cherished. Grandparents can be tolerant,
loving and supportive, without having to discipline and instruct the way parents
must. They can afford to see all the good things in a child and ignore the bad.
That's a wonderful mirror into which a child can look.
- Children always know that
their parents' insistence on proper nutrition and a sensible bedtime is good and
loving in the most profound sense. So when it comes to major issues, grandparents
should always abide by the limits set by the parents to avoid confusion and bad
feeling on all sides.
- One of the great gifts
we have is our ability to influence young children. Removed from the power struggles
of the immediate family a grandparent isn't likely to meet with as much resistance
as a parent would in suggesting a child do some homework or set the table. It
is one way grandparents help parents by reinforcing the values that parents want
to instill.
(Ann Brown) I had
to learn how to take good care of them. I will never forget the time when my baby
daughter Laura was about to swallow something that looked to her like a piece
of cherry candy. It wasn't candy. It was a bright-red glue pellet from a craft
set. That is how I learned the importance of baby-proofing our home.
- Then my grown-up daughter
had the fun of reminding me of those lessons when my own grandchildren were little
and she brought them to visit me. She went around my house to be sure I had put
all the peanuts and candies up high-and locked away the pills-and put safety plugs
on the electrical outlets.
- Where babies are concerned,
we can all use good advice. But as a grandparent, I try hard not to give it unless
I'm asked. It's much better if I wait until I hear, "Mom, I need advice."
- It may be our privilege
as grandparents to indulge and maybe even spoil our grandchildren a bit. For example,
I may buy more toys or treats for my grandchildren than I did for my daughters.
But you need to be careful, too. A friend of mine, a new grandmother, proudly
showed me the toy she bought for her two-year-old grandson. The age label on the
toy was f or an older child. Like me, she thought she had the smartest grandchild
imaginable, and the toy would challenge him. But those age labels on toys are
often safety recommendations, not measures of skill or ability. By providing appropriate
playthings, you can spoil your grandchildren and keep them safe at the same time.
- We're there with the power
of example. Try not to force your beliefs. Rather, in a loving and con-versational
way, set a good example. For instance, my grandchildren see me in my job giving
back to society. They've got the idea that's a good thing from watching what I
do and how much I care about child safety. They've become safety ambassadors,
very interested in safety for themselves and for their friends. It's your very
presence that affects them. You're a grandparent figure. If you're informal, loving,
your family to the community and society at large.
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