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Learn more about Marilyn LaCourt
"The game can become harmful however when the stakes are high and the players are serious."
What John had inadvertently done was to provide his daughter with an opportunity to practice her lying skills.
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Teaching to Lie or Tell a Story
By Marilyn LaCourt
The difference between teaching our children to think creatively and teaching them to lie is the context within which the teaching occurs.
Asking the four year old with raspberry jam all over her face if she knows who ate the raspberry tart that was left on the table gives the child a chance to create a story about how the Beanie Baby ate it. We might find the story harmless, humorous and delightfully creative. Both parent and child knows who "really" ate the tart, and each knows the other knows. They willingly and knowingly participate in a creative fantasy game that's fun for both.
This same process works equally well with children of all ages. When parent and child trust one another to know the situation is not real or serious, the game can be fun and creative.
Catching your child in a lie is not the
most successful way to stop them from lying.
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The game can become harmful, however, when the stakes are high and the players are serious.
Thirteen-year-old Theresa had been told she was not allowed to ride in cars with teen aged drivers. When John secretly observed his daughter getting out of her boyfriend's car, the situation was serious.
John knew Theresa would lie if she could get away with it. He was determined to catch her in a lie when he asked, "what time did Mrs. Jones pick you up from the Movie Theater?"
Theresa was convinced she didn't get caught in the wrongful act. She answered the question asked, "I think it was about seven thirty".
"Then how come you didn't get home until past eight thirty?" her father inquired, and Theresa embellished her story. "We all stopped for ice cream after the movie."
"Oh how nice," John replied, appearing to be making pleasant conversation, "and how many kids were there?"
"Ah, there were four of us, Jimmy, Patrick, Allison, and me."
"That's funny," said dad, now risking a lie of his own, "I just talked with Allison's mother, and she said Allison stayed home because she wasn't feeling well."
"Oh, I forgot it wasn't Allison, it was Jenny", the daughter answered.
"Theresa, you've just got to stop this lying. I gave you lots of chances to tell me the truth, and you chose to lie to me over and over again. How can you expect me to trust you?
"Theresa", father bellowed, "I saw you getting out of Jimmy's car and there was no one else in it"!
There is no humor in this father daughter interaction. He like many well meaning parents thinks the way to stop lying is to catch the child in a lie and then point out that lying doesn't work. However, all kids know that lying does work, sometimes. What John had inadvertently done was to provide his daughter with an opportunity to practice her lying skills.
This well-meaning father was working way too hard. Perhaps he should have been satisfied with teaching one lesson at a time. The father's direct and honest confrontation with evidence of the daughter's disobedience would have eliminated the girl's opportunity to add lying to her list of wrongful deeds.
A method used to teach creative thinking and blatant lying is similar. Creative thinking however can be taught in a context of cooperation, trust, and good-natured fun. Blatant lying is taught in a high stakes contest between parent and child where neither can trust the other to be honest.
Marilyn LaCourt, a former marriage and family therapist with twenty-five years of clinical experience is the director of Communication Programs, LLC. She is the originator of the "Live and Let Live" Bully Prevention Program, and the author of the novel "The Prize: a novel about bullies and victims and what drives them", published by American Book Publishing Group soon to be available for purchase at www.pdbookstore.com www.bulliesvictimandchoices.com and www.lacourt-m.com
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