Take a moment to realize which of the following situations are the ones most often resulting in your child having a tantrum.

1. Going to the market
2. The dinner table
3. Going to a restaurant
4. A birthday party
5. Guests arriving, etc.

Learning to eliminate tantrums can be done by helping your child cope with certain anxieties he or she may feel due to unfamiliar situations. We, adults, must understand that children often feel helpless and powerless (yes, especially the ones that seem most stubborn and assertive), and any opportunity that hands them power (like a tantrum) is a moment of victory. Alas, it is a false sense of power and therefore does not serve the appropriate purpose. Knowledge, on the other hand, is a true power. A stable relationship, one that is built on mutual respect, is one as well.

Though going to the market may seem like an ordinary, and sometimes daily event in a child's life, neglecting to realize that your child needs guidelines and boundaries each and every time, is usually the result of a tantrum we experience right by the checkout line.

Here are some guidelines that can change most anxiety related situations into a pretty smooth ride.

1. Discuss with your child the upcoming events, as small as a dinner or a trip to the market and as big and demanding as a birthday party.

2. State your expectation, not as a condition, like "if you behave, I will get you." But rather as a plan. "We're going to the market and this is what we need to buy today." This gives the child the sense of being included and makes them feel important (that's positive power).

3. Be their teacher. "You can help me put the milk in the cart, count the apples, of find the pasta aisle." This offers an opportunity for learning.

4. Set boundaries. "You may get yourself...." This is for you only to decide what choices you're giving them, such as a favorite cereal, a pack of gum, a box of cookies, or a lollypop of their choice. Allowing your child to choose one thing in advance let's them experience an exciting, positive sense of anticipation as well as have clear boundaries.

You may use the exact same approach before having a family dinner, going to a restaurant or a birthday party, or having guests arrive, etc.

• State the plan. "In half an hour, we will all have dinner together."
• Make them feel included. You know what's for dinner today? You know what we're going to do there? What would you like to order?
• Set boundaries. We will eat for 15 minutes and we can talk about.... We'll be there for two hours, you can play with.....
• Clarify your expectations. You will need to finish your whole dinner and then you can have a choice of dessert, you can sit with me, you can color or I can read you a story.

Think of your child as a person with very little say in this world. One that sees us adults holding all the control (little do they know). And as much as we associate surprises with fun, most children don't like surprises and don't have enough experience to make appropriate judgments (i.e. a tantrum in the middle of the market). Obviously, most of us understands it is not appropriate simply because we are able to make that kind of judgment. Since our children simply cannot, we need to be there for them. Allowing them to get familiar with a situation ahead of time offers them comfort. Stating clear expectations permits them to rely on us for guidance. Discussing plans with them in advance makes them feel respected.

Any person, adult or as little as our children, that gets to feel comfortable, safe, and respected, is unlikely the person who will throw a tantrum.