A Family Constellation.
What's Yours?
By Siggie Cohen, MA
There are several theories regarding the child's place in the family. One is of the renowned theoretician Erik Erickson, a student of Freud's theories and later on, one of his greater opponents. Erickson recognized that a child's birth order determines much of his or her components of characteristics and individuality. As part of his theory, Erickson determined that all first born share similar character and behaviors, as do all middle children, third born, only children and so on. This theory identifies first born as mature, responsible, independent and well behaved. The second or middle children are recognized as demanding, stubborn, threatening, loud and wild. The third born is seen as agreeable, pleasant, flawless, and the forever baby. (I am sure many of you are nodding your head in agreement!)
Like Erickson, Alfred Adler was a great theoretician in the field of psychology from the Freud era as well. Though his hypotheses differ somewhat, and his greater contribution reflects families and children, Adler, in similarity to Erickson, believed too that a child's place in the family could determine much of his or her characteristics. In opposition to Erickson, Adler did not think that all families show uniformity and fall into sameness. He believed that each tells a story of his or her own. Adler also stated that outside of genes and innate characteristics, much of a child's behavior is acquired and depends on environment and surroundings. This means that parents and caretakers have key influence on a child's behavior. In addition, he believed that each family "holds" a "character market" in which all family members can purchase certain characteristics. Once specific ones are gone, the other "buyers" have no choice but to shop for leftovers.
If you look closely at your family you'll recognize how different your children are from one another, especially the first two. If you examine each child closely, you will surely notice the 'label' that is attached to him or her. (Yes, right there, under the chin, or pinned to the belly, perhaps on the forehead, keep looking––it's there!) This label that each child carries and is so firmly affixed to him or her becomes all that the child is about. A label might reflect the stronger characteristics about each child. A label is how we compare our children to one another. (Why aren't you more like your brother? Why is your room so messy? Can't you learn from him to sit nicer, eat better, do your homework?) A label concludes that one child is "good" and the other "bad".
Now, take a moment and gaze into the past, to the time right after your second child was born. You might recall how surprising it was when you first realized that the new baby is "nothing like his older brother." After all, same parents, same household, same genes––and yet, the child is showing definite signs of being nothing like his or her older sibling. How is this possible? You probably scratched your head in amazement. The explanation is simple. If your first born is the responsible, mature, independent child that likes to please you, (and most likely is since you have to admit that you spent a lot of time with that child, and put much effort and attention into each activity and pursuit) your second child is everything but that. He or she is more like the terrors, the rebels, and the rug shakers and since you can't understand how this can be possible, this child is simply labeled the "bad fruit". If we go back to Adler's theory, we realize that if one of our children is "always the good one," the other has no choice but to "shop" for the characteristics not taken yet, and thus become "the bad one".
Individuality is the way a child receives attention, the way a child survives.
We must never forget that children do not distinguish negative attention from positive attention. To them, it's merely attention, the one thing they strive for the most!
The truth is, our children are different from one another, and for reasons we won't get into right here, choose to push different buttons in us. You might recognize that one child is more like you, the same gender as you, or holds the same place in the family as you. You may like it, understand and sympathize with it, or you may not. The bottom line is that your child is an individual, most likely with a set of characteristics beyond the label he or she is living with, and our obligation and responsibility is in recognizing this for the sake of his or her emotional wellness.
I am aware that it's not easy for us to search beyond labels. We all tend to live by them and recognize products this way. We do want to remember that our children are not products of ingredients that are well measured and blended together. They are complex human beings, multi-leveled, always elastic, changing and evolving, unpredictable and extremely challenging. Looking beyond the label calls for us to be resourceful, intuitive, and pause before we react. We all know how often we react automatically to anything our "bad" child does. If our child hits, breaks, drops, whines, demands, talks back, or jumps on the table, we are angered, disappointed, helpless, tired, and we feel guilty. We also react automatically to our "good" child. We always expect them to do the right thing or know better than that. It's a cycle we're locked into with no exit sign in sight.
Instead of your child challenging you over and over again, try challenging yourself. How many times can you look the other way? How often can you change your reaction and surprise yourself and your child with a different one? What "bad" actions or behaviors can you minimize? This doesn't mean that you are denying that your child is misbehaving or acting inappropriately. It does mean that you learn to reduce the amount of time and energy you spend each time your child is misbehaving. It may reduce the total of time outs, privileges taken, and other punishments he or she may get. As an alternative, you make the choice when to firmly respond, then quickly move on to something positive. "No! You can't push Danny! But look how strong you are, you can push this wagon." To an older child you might say, "I see how you're trying (to hit, whine, demand, be stubborn, manipulate) again, but I'm sorry, I can't let you do that. How about you take some time for yourself (one option), or we both do something together?" Learn to truly face your child's behaviors without it becoming a label for him or her, and without them always pushing your own buttons. (I can't believe he's still doing that! How many times do I have to say that? Hasn't she learned already?)
It is strongly recommended to stray from always automatically reacting. Our "good" child needs to attempt "bad" behavior. We shouldn't expect them to be perfect. The "good" child fears that if they go astray even once, their parents are not going to love them anymore. We want to let them know that being perfect is not what's expected of them, but rather human. We too make mistakes, fail, and don't always feel successful. Still, we want to be loved, supported, accepted and even forgiven. Our "bad" child will still make many wrong choices (misbehaving, angering us, getting out of control) and our job is to show alternatives rather than jump into conveying to him or her any sense of failure. The sense that once more our child failed us. The sense that we've failed as parents.
Watch for the different labels that each of your children holds. Too shy, too quiet, too busy, too weak, too strong, can't do this, not good at that, etc. Each of these labels is factual. Children can be too shy, too weak, too stubborn, too loud, and so on. But, that's not all they are, and when we fail to see beyond the characteristics they've acquired on the surface, we fail to recognize their true personality and thus not respect their individuality as a whole. Think of how many times when you were growing up you thought to yourself, "they don't know me at all... they know nothing about me..." That is a very alienating feeling for a child, a sense of not belonging to the people who are supposed to be the closest to you. Think of that the next time you approach your child's label, rather than your child, and I know you'd be amazed with your findings.
A family exercise
Invite the family members to a "meeting". Choose a time and a place. Prepare a large writing pad and write everyone's name on it. By the name note: first born, middle child, etc. For example:
Dad––middle child
Mom––first born
Jenny––the youngest
Now ask participants to illustrate what defines them as the first born, middle child, etc. What advantages each one sees in their particular place in the family, as well as disadvantages? Mark compelling points. Save for a keepsake and most important, have fun while doing it!
Keep up the good work!
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