Building Self-Esteem and Dealing with Disappointments at School By Schwab Foundation for Learning Self-esteem is the confidence you have in your abilities, the satisfaction you take in your accomplishments and the respect you have for yourself. It is the result of an inner sense of success, satisfaction and optimism. Good self-esteem occurs when an individual feels worthwhile and competent, when he believes that he belongs, is valued and liked. It is rooted in childhood experiences of love, support, acceptance, and approval. Self-esteem grows out of three key elements: acceptance competence purpose A change in any one of these elements can have an effect on the others. For example, if your child develops competence in a sport, that competence may promote acceptance by classmates. Even though schoolwork will still be difficult, your child may feel better about going to school. The reverse is also true. A negative change in one of these three elements, for instance, can adversely affect the other two. Acceptance is a sense of belonging. It is the security of knowing you are part of a family or group. Acceptance is also assuredness, feeling comfortable and safe and being able to depend on individuals and situations. Outside the home it comes from inclusion, support, recognition and respect. Inside the home it comes from love, trust, appreciation, protection and encouragement. Acceptance is demonstrated at home by: assuring your child that you love him, even when he's having problems providing a supportive structure, clear limits, and consistent rules complimenting your child frequently and correcting her infrequently directing correction at your child's behavior, not at him ("Drawing on the wall is bad," not "You are bad.") providing opportunities for your child to succeed and celebrating her successes supporting your child's efforts, inside the home and out encouraging friendships and helping your child develop social skills Competence is the feeling of being able to handle the challenges you meet in life. It is knowing your strengths and understanding your limitations. It is having a feeling of success and accomplishment in the things you regard as important and valuable. The feeling of confidence is a very personal experience. A child caught in a pattern of putting herself down may not even have the skills to accept a compliment when she does a good job. To counter this lack of self-confidence, you can help by: giving your child respect and attention, even when she's not sure of herself encouraging areas or skills where your child has a strong interest supporting strengths and accepting weaknesses without dwelling on them helping your child recognize that her actions make a difference teaching your child to measure and appreciate his progress pointing out things that your child does well taking an interest in your child's activities The preceding is an excerpt from the Bridges to Reading booklet. Courtesy of the Schwab Foundation for Learning. All contents ® and ™ 1997, 1998, 1999 Schwab Foundation for Learning All Rights Reserved Any interested person or organization may copy or reprint portions of this article provided such copy may not be sold or otherwise used for commercial purposes and any such copy must contain the above stated copyright notice. Back to Experts' Advice Check out Family Fun for activities to do with your children.