Teaching Good Manners
 By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation
Question:
My child uses bad manners at home. He's impolite to us and to his siblings, and does and says things
that would embarrass me if they happened in public. How can I teach him to use good manners?
Think about it:
Your child doesn't run into the freeway, play with steak knives or stick Play-DohTM in your VCR
because in many ways you've made it clear that these behaviors won't be tolerated. In the same way, you must
decide that bad manners won't be permitted, either.
Take it seriously:
Make sure no one is laughing at his bad manners. Laughing encourages children to see bad
manners as a source of humor.
Re-phrase:
Avoid that tired old response, "Waad-do-ya-say?" Instead, respond to your child by rephrasing what
he's already said in the way you find acceptable, "What I'd like to hear you say is, 'May I please have more
pancakes.'"
Teach, don't reprimand:
Instead of saying, "That's disgusting! Don't act like a pig!" respond in this way, "It's
impolite to belch at the table, and if you do, it's proper to say excuse me." If your child didn't know what the
proper behavior was, you're teaching a valuable lesson. If he did, you're displaying your good manners as you
correct him, and possibly making him feel a bit foolish for acting in such a way.
Ignore it now - talk later:
If a child is using poor manners to show off or "get your goat," it's best to ignore him and
walk away, or pointedly ignore him by turning your back and focusing on something else. Later, find a time to
talk with your child about appropriate manners.
Tell 'em what you expect:
Look your child in the eye and say, "When you can ask me using good manners, I'll be
happy to answer you." Show your appreciation when your child uses good manners.
Model the behavior you'd like to see:
It's easy for a parent to forget to use please, thank you, and excuse me
when dealing with children. Remember your manners. It's good teaching, and it makes life more pleasant. So,
replace, "Go get me a hammer," with "Please get me a hammer."
Question:
They say that having dinner together as a family is a bonding experience. Not so in my house! My kids
have such atrocious manners that I spend the entire meal correcting, reprimanding and pleading with them to act
civilized! How can I get them to use good table manners?
Think about it:
Children aren't born with good manners, they must be taught. Your kitchen table is a great place
for them to learn.
Be patient and teach:
Don't nag and complain. Tell your child what you want, rather than what you don't want.
Instead of saying, "Link, don't eat with your hands!" Tell him what you DO want, "Lincoln, please use your fork."
Maintain a positive mood during dinner. Focus on pleasant conversation, don't use the time to reprimand or
lecture. A happy environment is more conducive to teaching good manners.
Accept age-appropriate behavior:
All young children spill their milk, splatter their ketchup and leave an array of
crumbs around their chairs. It takes time to acquire the motor skills required to be tidy and clean.
Go formal:
Every once in a while, have a formal meal at home. Use a tablecloth (an old one!), a full selection of
silverware and napkins. Pretend you're at a formal restaurant and allow everyone to exaggerate his or her best
manners. You may even choose to dress up and use candles. In addition to teaching good manners, it's a
beautiful family ritual, and will create wonderful memories.
Expect manners:
Expect children to use the good manners they have been taught. If a child persists in
purposefully demonstrating bad manners pick up his dinner plate and have him follow you to another room, and
tell him he'll be eating dinner by himself. (Don't put him in front of the TV!)
Be consistent:
Require good manners every day and over time you'll have to think about them less and less. As
an example, most children taught to say "please" from toddlerhood will be saying it automatically by the time
they're four or five years old. Children who routinely practice using good manners will adopt those manners as
good habits.
Question:
When we're out in public my son seems to forget all the good manners he routinely uses at home. If
we run into someone I know he won't even say a polite hello. He forgets to say 'thank you' and 'excuse me'. The
list goes on. How can I get him to remember to use his manners?
Think about it:
As annoying as your child's lack of manners can be, resist the urge to reprimand him in front of
other people. I've seen many parents do this. In a misguided effort to teach manners, they display some of the
worse manners I've seen!
Teach:
Many children are not aware of their bad manners and must be taught not only what not to do, but what to
do instead. For example, if a friend of yours speaks to your child, who looks down at his sneakers and ignores
the comment, it's typically embarrassment and ignorance on the child's part that's causing the behavior. After the
person leaves, make a brief comment to your child, "Casey, if an adult talks to you, it's polite to look him in the
eye and say something back. When Mr. Nagamine commented on your new shoes, you could have said, 'Thank
you, they're new.' People like it when you answer them like that."
Correct privately:
If your child is acting in a rude way, lead him away from other people and quietly and briefly
correct him. Give him a smile and a hug to show him that you love him. That way you can send him back into the
situation prepared to change for the better.
Prepare:
In advance of a social situation, brief your child on what manners will be expected of him. Younger
children can benefit from a role-play at home previewing what they might expect.
Praise your child for using good manners:
Believe it or not, children often feel embarrassed when they socialize
with adults and use good manners. Since they have heard adults say things like, "Fine thank you, and you?"
they feel like an impostor when they say it themselves!
Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, © 1999
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